When speaking Italian, you probably have avoided using the polite Lei, at least sometimes.
A lot of students do. Since this form is not very common in other languages, many students are not familiar with it and find it tricky to use. Many of them simply avoid it and always choose the informal Tu.
However, knowing how and when to use the formal Lei shows that the student can master the Italian language, so I always stress the importance of this topic with my students. Even though the language is getting simpler and plainer every day and you can easily communicate with basic grammar, I strongly believe that a richer and more complex language is more beautiful and says a lot about the speaker. So it’s worth making an effort to try and use the formal Lei.
But let’s first see how to use the formal Lei in Italian.
When you want to use the formal Lei, you use the third person feminine regardless of whether the person you’re talking to is a man or a woman.
Here are some examples:
Come stai? (informal) -> Come sta? (formal)
Sai dov’è la banca? (informal) -> Sa dov’è la banca? (formal)
Puoi dirmi come arrivare alla stazione? (informal) -> Può dirmi come arrivare alla stazione? (formal)
Mi porti il conto? (informal) -> Mi porta il conto? (formal)
When you need to use direct or indirect pronouns when using the formal Lei, you always use La (direct pronoun) or Le (indirect pronoun).
Examples with direct pronouns:
Voglio informarLa che ha ottenuto il lavoro (I want to inform you that you got the job)
Posso chiamarLa domani alle cinque? (Can I call you tomorrow at five?)
Può parlare più forte? Non La sento (Can you speak louder? I can’t hear you)
Examples with indirect pronouns:
Posso chiederLe dove ha preso quella borsa? (Can I ask you where you got that bag?)
Quando posso telefonarLe? Non vorrei disturbare (When can I call you? I don’t want to disturb)
Non Le ho detto che abbiamo cancellato l’appuntamento, mi scusi (I haven’t told you we canceled the appointment, I am sorry)
Now that you know how to use the formal Lei, the problem is when to use it.
The general rule says that you should use the formal Lei when you do not know the person you are speaking to or when the person is older than you are, but it depends on the context and your choice as a speaker. For example, for me using the formal Lei is very important because it shows respect for the person you are speaking with. On the contrary, my husband loves using the informal Tu and says that sometimes I am too formal.
But let’s see some examples.
I am at the post office (or a similar place) and many people are waiting in line. If I need to ask a question to some of these people, I will always use the Lei form. However, if the person I am asking for information is young, a teenager, or a twentysomething let’s say, I would then use the Tu. But if it is the clerk or the office manager who’s young, then I would always use the polite Lei because I want to be respectful of their role.
The same goes for bars, restaurants, and shops. My husband is very informal in those environments, while I still follow the “be respectful” role. This means that, even though the shop assistant, the waiter, or the barista is way younger than me, I would still use the Lei. Then I would switch to the Tu form only if the situation gets more informal but this doesn’t happen frequently. Call me an old lady, but I still believe that the Lei is mandatory in work environments (among strangers, not colleagues, of course).
When it comes to school, students commonly use the polite Lei to speak to the teachers. Throughout high school, the student uses the Lei to speak to the teacher, while the teacher uses the Tu to speak to the student. In university, however, both students and professors use the Lei (unless things have changed recently!). On the contrary, in most language schools, where students are older and the environment is way more informal, it is common to use the Tu from day one.
Summarizing, even though using the Tu is way easier, getting used to using the Lei at least in the most obvious situations is important if you want your language to be more refined. So, when you do not know the person you are having a conversation with and when such a person is older than you (or your age, if you are an adult), it is advisable to use the Lei.
Don’t forget that I have also created a downloadable PDF file for you to keep for future reference. You can find the file in Your Italian Toolbox, where I upload all language-learning materials (you can access the page by subscribing to my newsletter).
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